


It’s Hard To Dance With A Devil On Your Back

by Visionsofdazzlingrooms



Series: Some Things You Just Can’t Speak About [1]
Category: blue bloods
Genre: Deal With It, Episode Tag, F/M, Self Harm, To tell the truth, Yes I like naming fics after songs, s1 e18, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:02:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26161582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Visionsofdazzlingrooms/pseuds/Visionsofdazzlingrooms
Summary: Old habits die hard, especially if you were just kidnapped.*continuation of Season 1 Episode 18: To Tell The Truth
Relationships: Danny Reagan/Linda Reagan
Series: Some Things You Just Can’t Speak About [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1899769
Kudos: 3





	It’s Hard To Dance With A Devil On Your Back

**Author's Note:**

> Gosh, I really gotta establish headcanons, don’t I? Okay, here goes:
> 
> Linda’s parents divorce when she’s 16, and she has to live with her father who beats her. She starts skipping meals and hurting herself because she thinks she’s not worthy of anything. Danny helps her deal with it. A year after she and Danny are married, she has a miscarriage, which brings back her bad habits. She’s much better now, but sometimes she’ll revert back to those habits.
> 
> I think that’ll bring you up to speed

Linda wasn't listening as Danny rambled on about something. She didn't know if he was talking about his current case or sports or something else entirely. She didn’t care either way, she was too focused on what had happened.

"Linda?"

At her name, her ears perked up. She slowly realized she had been asked a question. "I'm sorry, Danny. What did you say?"

"I asked what you wanted to do when we got home."

‘Screw you silly so I can forget’. "Oh, I think I'll just have a hot bubble bath. Y'know, to get the grime off." ‘And the memory‘. 

Danny nodded, "right... gosh, babe, I am so-"

"Danny, it wasn't your fault. You didn't tell those men to kidnap me." Her voice was strong, but inside she was crying. She reached over and grabbed his hand, giving it a squeeze. "I'm okay, really I am. I just want a warm bath and a glass of wine."

Danny brought her hand to his lips, sighing, but managing a small smile. 

***********

Linda watched Danny turn the hot water tab on in the bath. He turned to get her some comfy clothes- i.e. his sweats- and walked out to the bedroom. Almost immediately, she turned the temperature higher in the tub. She saw her razor on the edge of the porcelain, subconsciously rubbing her left thigh. The scars were gone now, faded into oblivion, but she remembered them. She remembered when she inflicted them onto her skin. She swallowed and picked up the razor, memories flooding her brain. 

"Why- why would you do this?"  
"You of all people are asking why?"  
"I've never cut myself. You know we don't believe in that."

That had cut deep; he had his own form of self harm. It wasn’t scarring his skin, but it was just as bad 

"Babe?"

Linda slightly jumped, turning around. She saw the rumpled clothes in Danny's arms. "Thanks for the clothes."

He nodded, "I'll just be in there if you want anything." He pointed to the bedroom. 

Linda nodded, "I'll be okay."

"Okay." He turned from her, biting his lip. He wasn't going to remind her about her old habits or wounds. 

"Danny?" She saw his eyes were darker than usual, "thank you."

He smiled, closing the door behind him. 

The water burned Linda's skin as she slid into the tub. She hissed at the contact, but quickly relaxed. Five minutes of brain static passed, then ten, then fifteen until she curled her fingers around the pink razor. She pressed the razor to the skin of her thigh, then closed her eyes. She swallowed thickly, bit her lip, and raked the razor across her smooth skin. 

Linda hissed as her face heated up further. She gripped the razor tighter, and made another gash. Two more gashes had her feeling a little more calmed down. The blood trickled into the water, and she felt some sort of relief. She would've sliced her skin further if Danny hadn't loudly knocked on the door. 

"You okay in there, baby?"

"I've been in here for fifteen minutes!" She bit her lip. Why did she snap like that?

"Exactly."

"Unlike you, I enjoy baths. It's relaxing."

He could hear the annoyance in her voice, "okay, just checking."

"I'm fine." 

He didn't believe that, but left it alone. He had a bad feeling about leaving her alone in there.

She swallowed again, setting the razor on the edge of the tub. She brought her legs to her chest and touched her forehead to her knees. Silent tears flowed from her eyes as she cursed herself for being so stupid. She shouldn’t have cut herself, and she should have fought harder. 

Her shoulders shook as the memory of Salazar’s men attacking her played through her mind. All she could see was that dirty basement, all she smelled was dust and mold. She still felt the rope burning her skin, her heart pounding loudly in her chest. 

Linda bit her lip and reached for the razor again. ‘You shouldn’t do it’, the logical side of her brain whispered. ‘Do it. Slice it good’, the other half seemed to yell at her. Closing her eyes, she pressed the razor to her skin.

***********

Linda looked at Danny sitting on the bed, reading a book he probably wasn't paying much attention. She swallowed and walked to the dresser, pretending to reorganize things in the drawer. 

"You did it again, didn't you?"

She closed her eyes tightly, trying to feign innocence. "Di- did what?"

"Sweetheart."

Damn. Linda looked down, "I don't know how else to feel calm." She turned around, tears stinging her eyes. "I'm sorry, but I- I had- I didn't-"

Danny put his book down on the bed, and crossed the room to stand next his wife. He gathered her in his arms, kissing her head. Once her tears were dry, he carried her to the bed. "I need to see it."

She scoffed, "you can't do anything about it."

"It was our deal."

Technically, it was her rule for Danny, but ever since he found out she... he claimed he had a right to hold that rule. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, honey." He rubbed her shoulder. "Does it hurt?"

She shrugged, suddenly not wanting to talk. "Can we... I just want to forget."

He nodded, continuing to rub her shoulder. "Why don't you take a nap? I'll wake you when we have to go."

"Okay." She got comfortable beneath the comfort. "I'm sorry."

Danny simply kissed her cheek, ruffling her hair. "We'll talk about it later."

************

That night, Danny ended up making love to Linda, showing and telling her how important she was to him. She promised not to do it again, and he promised to help her through the new demons.


End file.
